"This is why I will never be completely satisfied by a woman, and this is why the kind of woman I tend to find attractive will never be satisfied by me. We will both measure our relationship against the prospect of fake love."
"I want fake love. but that's all I want, and that's why I can't have it."-Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs
This is seriously one of my favorite topics to think about, write about or talk about. Fake love. I am fascinated with love. How people define in, the pursuit of it, sonnets, ballads...just about everything.
Now, I know I have only lived a paltry twenty-three years on this earth and that you might balk at me for thinking I know anything about love or relationships, but I swear to Pikachu that about twenty-one of those years have been used to brainwash me into wanting an unobtainable goal, LOVE. So..I admit to not being an authority, but I think we are all experts on this subject in our own ways.
I can trace back my longing for LOVE, the mind-blowing, earth-shattering, Prince Charming LOVE, to Disney and Barbie. I am not solely blaming popular culture for my current melancholy and spinster status, but I do think that pop culture sure did set me up.
Take for instance Barbie and Ken. Plastic people with an endearing LOVE. I remember watching commercials for their wedding back in the '80s and I remember my talking Barbie telling me about how she hopes Ken will call her. I remember Barbie's dream house. Basically I remember Barbie and Ken being a perfect couple who got married, rode horses together, enjoyed hanging out by their pool together, roller bladed together, and did freaking EVERYTHING TOGETHER.
Growing up I thought that true love meant doing everything together, spending every waking moment with the other person. I dreamed of finding my no-penis plastic man like Ken and doing all the fun stuff Barbie and Ken did. But...assessing this now, I could never handle being an extreme couple like this. I would lose myself and define myself by the "us" and I would get super annoyed of doing everything with my main squeeze.
Another example...Disney. I really do not need to expand on this...but seriously. Someday My Prince Will Come. So This Is Love. Once Upon a Dream. Beauty and the Beast. Obviously we all knew growing up that we would not happen to cross paths with a prince, but damn it if I did not think I would run into a super attractive male who within a second would fall in love with me and burst out into a romantic song of how he has waited his whole life for a woman like me.
As I got older my pop culture references and influences changed to movies and music. Same thing occurred. Daily I would encounter people meeting and falling in love. Yes, nothing was ever perfect, but these two-dimensional people and relationships set the pace for what I expected from my real three-dimensional relationships.
This is the reason I am writing this. Here is my confession:
I honestly thought when I was eighteen and getting ready to leave for college that I would fall in love with a tall, blue-eyed man who loved literature and be married at the age of twenty-four.
I can tell you right now that I will not be married by twenty-four. I do not even know if I will get married.
I just freaks me out that at one time I was sooooo sure that I could find someone so two-dimensional and that I would want that person. Like, I would think of all these qualities this person should possess and then POOF! he exists.
I know this post is kind of just me rambling, but it is important for the next post. For in the next post I will talk about my ultimate crush to end all crushes, Jablonski and the major role fake love has directly played in my love life.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Man That Got Away...
Ever since this world began
There is nothing sadder than
A one-man woman looking for
The man that got away...
-The Man That Got Away, Judy Garland from A Star Is Born
First some background:
I am an avid fan of Gilmore Girls. Amy Sherman-Palladino, the creator of and writer for the show, introduced me to Dorothy Parker, The Way We Were and A Star Is Born. Lorelai Gilmore is a woman I want to be, minus the pregnancy at age sixteen. She is smart, funny, strong and witty. The biggest compliment I have ever received is when a man told me I looked like Lorelai Gilmore.
Now...in Gilmore Girls you wait since the very first episode for Lorelai and Luke Danes to get together. And finally, in season five they do. If I am pessimistic or in a foul mood, I watch the episodes when they go on their first day, they have their kiss and when he builds her an ice rink. Yet, they have a split up in the middle of the season. The day after they brake up, Lorelai calls Luke and leaves a message on his answering machine where she rambles on and on about The Way We Were and Hubbell and Katie. Eventually, they do get back together and when they do, Lorelai is watching A Star is Born and "The Man That Got Away" is playing in the background.
I Netflix-ed The Way We Were and A Star is Born because of those references in Gilmore Girls and LOVED them both. On the surface they are super depressing. They both end with the supposed love of the leading lady's life leaving her. In The Way We Were Hubbell leaves Katie after moving to California, making memories that cloud the corners of one's mind, and having a daughter. In A Star is Born (original screenplay written by none other than Dorothy Parker) Norman kills himself after Esther becomes a bright new star while his star fades and his alcoholism takes over his life. (Interesting side note....Barbara Streisand stars in a remake of A Star is Born with Kris Kristofferson in 1976)
But for me these two movies tell a more true story of love and romance, or at least present a reality I can more easily accept. I think in the end they have a more powerful, positive message.
Here is the part I find most interesting about the relationships in those two movies: Both relationships are doomed from the start. There is something fundamentally wrong or unequal with the relationship that will prevent it from ever being that happily-ever-after we all seem to crave.
Katie devoted herself to Hubbell. She moved out to California with him, hung out with his less than politically knowlegdeable friends and had his child. She involved herself with his friends and entertained them even though she was not a huge fan of them. Most importantly, Katie was the only person who truly believed in his writing ability and urged him to write his novel.
But....Hubbell was less committed to her. He would not stand up for her and her ideals. He didn't show her the encouragement or devotion she showed him. He resented her for her strong personality and her convictions. He was embarrassed of her communist sympathies. And sadly, he left her after she had their daughter. Hubbell found her intriguing and he may have loved her at one point, but it was not an enduring love.
Esther and Norman had a relationship based upon power and control. At the start Norman had the power, but that quickly changed. Esther was the nobody to start with and Norman was the prized star of Hollywood. With Norman's assistance, Esther rose to become the new It girl of Hollywood. But, Norman's alcoholism began to take over his life and slowly his career began to suffer. Instead of blaming himself for his failing career, Norman began to resent Esther and was furious that he had ever given her the chance to become someone. He was envious of her and her success. Despite his anger towards her, Esther would nurse Norman back to health and support him. Finally, Norman takes responsibility for his actions and not being able to deal with that responsibility or the fact that he has become a burden to Esther, kills himself. I think, personally, he could not deal with the fact the she so fully and completely loved him and he basically just shat all over that love time and time again.
I have not had an earth moving or shattering love like Hubbell and Katie or Esther and Norman. But, I have fancied myself in love before. I have felt connected to a member of the opposite sex more, been more intimate emotionally, physically and mentally with that one person more than I ever thought possible. In my one serious relationship I fully and completely gave myself to the other person, only to be shat on repeatedly. I was all in while he was just partly in. I am sure he loved me for a brief moment or that he had convinced himself that he loved me. But like Hubbell, he lacked an enduring love and like Norman, I think he could not stand not being in control. And like Esther and Katie....that man got away.
Which, yes, is depressing and sad. I have spent more energy and effort, tears and screams, and time and frustration on this guy than I ever want to admit. Like my female counterparts, I have felt abandonded and sad. The one man that I gave myself completely to turned out to not truly want me or deserve me.
BUT...and this is a big BUT...that is the way it should be. We are all better off for getting out of those relationships. Like I said...they were never going to work out from the start. I knew that with my relationship, which started because I refused to be a fuck buddy so he decided he would just cave in and date me, the man would never really want to be my boyfriend. I knew this just as Katie knew Hubbell would never grow a spine or Esther knew Norman would never love her as much as he loved his booze. Although we were in love, it was not the right love because it was not an equal partnership; we loved the man that got away more than he loved us.
I look at Katie and Esther though and think of what they accomplished after that man got away. Katie went on to pursue her political activism and Esther went on to win an Oscar. These women are strong and show us that just because we lose that one guy, that one love, does not mean our lives are over. There is a future before us. We are better for loving that man and going on to do more.
So...this is the moral to my story: The man that got away broke my heart. It was sad. It still is sad on some days. Yet, I am better off without him, for it gives me room to become someone great.
The man that got away was just getting out of my way.
There is nothing sadder than
A one-man woman looking for
The man that got away...
-The Man That Got Away, Judy Garland from A Star Is Born
First some background:
I am an avid fan of Gilmore Girls. Amy Sherman-Palladino, the creator of and writer for the show, introduced me to Dorothy Parker, The Way We Were and A Star Is Born. Lorelai Gilmore is a woman I want to be, minus the pregnancy at age sixteen. She is smart, funny, strong and witty. The biggest compliment I have ever received is when a man told me I looked like Lorelai Gilmore.
Now...in Gilmore Girls you wait since the very first episode for Lorelai and Luke Danes to get together. And finally, in season five they do. If I am pessimistic or in a foul mood, I watch the episodes when they go on their first day, they have their kiss and when he builds her an ice rink. Yet, they have a split up in the middle of the season. The day after they brake up, Lorelai calls Luke and leaves a message on his answering machine where she rambles on and on about The Way We Were and Hubbell and Katie. Eventually, they do get back together and when they do, Lorelai is watching A Star is Born and "The Man That Got Away" is playing in the background.
I Netflix-ed The Way We Were and A Star is Born because of those references in Gilmore Girls and LOVED them both. On the surface they are super depressing. They both end with the supposed love of the leading lady's life leaving her. In The Way We Were Hubbell leaves Katie after moving to California, making memories that cloud the corners of one's mind, and having a daughter. In A Star is Born (original screenplay written by none other than Dorothy Parker) Norman kills himself after Esther becomes a bright new star while his star fades and his alcoholism takes over his life. (Interesting side note....Barbara Streisand stars in a remake of A Star is Born with Kris Kristofferson in 1976)
But for me these two movies tell a more true story of love and romance, or at least present a reality I can more easily accept. I think in the end they have a more powerful, positive message.
Here is the part I find most interesting about the relationships in those two movies: Both relationships are doomed from the start. There is something fundamentally wrong or unequal with the relationship that will prevent it from ever being that happily-ever-after we all seem to crave.
Katie devoted herself to Hubbell. She moved out to California with him, hung out with his less than politically knowlegdeable friends and had his child. She involved herself with his friends and entertained them even though she was not a huge fan of them. Most importantly, Katie was the only person who truly believed in his writing ability and urged him to write his novel.
But....Hubbell was less committed to her. He would not stand up for her and her ideals. He didn't show her the encouragement or devotion she showed him. He resented her for her strong personality and her convictions. He was embarrassed of her communist sympathies. And sadly, he left her after she had their daughter. Hubbell found her intriguing and he may have loved her at one point, but it was not an enduring love.
Esther and Norman had a relationship based upon power and control. At the start Norman had the power, but that quickly changed. Esther was the nobody to start with and Norman was the prized star of Hollywood. With Norman's assistance, Esther rose to become the new It girl of Hollywood. But, Norman's alcoholism began to take over his life and slowly his career began to suffer. Instead of blaming himself for his failing career, Norman began to resent Esther and was furious that he had ever given her the chance to become someone. He was envious of her and her success. Despite his anger towards her, Esther would nurse Norman back to health and support him. Finally, Norman takes responsibility for his actions and not being able to deal with that responsibility or the fact that he has become a burden to Esther, kills himself. I think, personally, he could not deal with the fact the she so fully and completely loved him and he basically just shat all over that love time and time again.
I have not had an earth moving or shattering love like Hubbell and Katie or Esther and Norman. But, I have fancied myself in love before. I have felt connected to a member of the opposite sex more, been more intimate emotionally, physically and mentally with that one person more than I ever thought possible. In my one serious relationship I fully and completely gave myself to the other person, only to be shat on repeatedly. I was all in while he was just partly in. I am sure he loved me for a brief moment or that he had convinced himself that he loved me. But like Hubbell, he lacked an enduring love and like Norman, I think he could not stand not being in control. And like Esther and Katie....that man got away.
Which, yes, is depressing and sad. I have spent more energy and effort, tears and screams, and time and frustration on this guy than I ever want to admit. Like my female counterparts, I have felt abandonded and sad. The one man that I gave myself completely to turned out to not truly want me or deserve me.
BUT...and this is a big BUT...that is the way it should be. We are all better off for getting out of those relationships. Like I said...they were never going to work out from the start. I knew that with my relationship, which started because I refused to be a fuck buddy so he decided he would just cave in and date me, the man would never really want to be my boyfriend. I knew this just as Katie knew Hubbell would never grow a spine or Esther knew Norman would never love her as much as he loved his booze. Although we were in love, it was not the right love because it was not an equal partnership; we loved the man that got away more than he loved us.
I look at Katie and Esther though and think of what they accomplished after that man got away. Katie went on to pursue her political activism and Esther went on to win an Oscar. These women are strong and show us that just because we lose that one guy, that one love, does not mean our lives are over. There is a future before us. We are better for loving that man and going on to do more.
So...this is the moral to my story: The man that got away broke my heart. It was sad. It still is sad on some days. Yet, I am better off without him, for it gives me room to become someone great.
The man that got away was just getting out of my way.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
A Weighty Issue
Okay. We all know there is one big thing you never comment on to a lady; her weight.
Yes, I will not lie, it is nice to hear "You are skinny," but a simple change of "are" to "look" and adding an extra adverb "today" can screw you over. Commenting on weight is a tricky, fickle thing.
I was a pretty active person growing up. In the summer I would play softball, basketball, and swim for swim team. In junior high and high school I played basketball and volleyball, had a small stint with track, and played club volleyball and MAYB basketball in the summer. Plus, I lifted weights and ran during the summer in high school for volleyball training. This gave me a pretty nice frame. I was never reed thin. I have always had my curves and my ass and my hips and my boobs. But, I looked pretty nice.
Well...college happened. I gained some weight, which I think is typical of most people. I just was not as active and fast food was a staple of my diet. This just added to my curves and gave me a little extra padding.
Now, yes, I do wish I could lose about 20 pounds and go back to my high school weight. And yes, as a girl, I am a little extra sensitive about my weight. And, as stated before, the clever boys in my class use to call me weighty nicknames such as "Free Willy" and "Jenny Craig." So...one could say weight is not my favorite subject.
But...I doubt it is anyone's favorite subject. Women especially. We all feel the pressure to be that size 0 or 2. And like I said, commenting on weight is a tricky business.
Here are some experiences where I was not the only huge elephant sitting in the room:
#1: Pants
I was making out with this guy. We had made out before and it was fun. He was cute and he made me laugh, so overall, I was pleased. We started to go horizontal, like most make out sessions go, and I was on top. Articles of clothes start to come off. Then, boy starts to undo my pants. Okay, no big deal. But, then he tries to pull them off while I am straddling him. I was getting ready to shift to make this endeavor more successful when he decides to comment on my weight: "Maybe you should get a bigger pair of pants."
Umm......excuse me? Unless I am wearing tear away pants, I have no idea how the hell you though that these pants were coming off.
It didn't stop there though. He went on to say...."I have no idea how you even get those on. You should really get a larger size." I then said, "I have no issues with it, and no one else ever has. See, it is quite simple." I then proceeded to take on and off my pants within thirty seconds.
#2: Pillow Talk
Again, this takes place during a make out session. This time I was with someone a little more serious, someone I had been dating for awhile. While making out, we again start the horizontal thing and start shedding some clothes. Then, again, the comment comes: "Have you been gaining weight?"
This one occurred again when I was on top and this boy was grabbing me by the waist.
Hmm...a weird approach to some dirty talk. Oh, yeah...Tell me how fat I am. Smother me in gravy.
#3: Comparative Analysis
I found some old pictures from high school on the computer at my house. So, I decided to post them on facebook. A couple of days later I was back in Lawrence for New Year's Eve. We had been drinking, like most college students, and some of us were sitting around talking. Out of nowhere, my guy friend, one I use to have a huge crush on, says this: "Chelsea, you use to be so skinny and cute in high school. What happened?"
Oh, I don't know. I decided to not be cute or skinny any more. I changed my life goal into resembling Ursula from Little Mermaid. I mean, she had curves and in her song, she tells me that those curves are how us ladies get them fellas.
Here's the thing guys (if any guys read this), there are a limited amount of ways to comment on a woman's weight and there are even more limited amounts of appropriate times to comment on a woman's weight.
Top time not to comment....when you are about to get some. Not only does this ruin your chances, but I can promise you the lady in question will not forget and will probably not engage in such behavior with you again.
But also....it is just plain ass rude. That is the equivalent of me saying, "Oh, is your dick getting smaller?" Would you like that? No. Why? Because you are sensitive about your size and it such situations....you are even more sensitive. Same here, bucko.
I am comfortable with my luscious body. You would think that these experiences would have shattered me and that I would never again undress in front of a man. But....mama's got needs.
Seriously though. I just think these guys were not thinking correctly. Even if they did mean it....that is their deal. If they want a supermodel with non-existent boobs and the ability to count her ribs, good for them.
I am not the girl, and I am fine with that. :)
Yes, I will not lie, it is nice to hear "You are skinny," but a simple change of "are" to "look" and adding an extra adverb "today" can screw you over. Commenting on weight is a tricky, fickle thing.
I was a pretty active person growing up. In the summer I would play softball, basketball, and swim for swim team. In junior high and high school I played basketball and volleyball, had a small stint with track, and played club volleyball and MAYB basketball in the summer. Plus, I lifted weights and ran during the summer in high school for volleyball training. This gave me a pretty nice frame. I was never reed thin. I have always had my curves and my ass and my hips and my boobs. But, I looked pretty nice.
Well...college happened. I gained some weight, which I think is typical of most people. I just was not as active and fast food was a staple of my diet. This just added to my curves and gave me a little extra padding.
Now, yes, I do wish I could lose about 20 pounds and go back to my high school weight. And yes, as a girl, I am a little extra sensitive about my weight. And, as stated before, the clever boys in my class use to call me weighty nicknames such as "Free Willy" and "Jenny Craig." So...one could say weight is not my favorite subject.
But...I doubt it is anyone's favorite subject. Women especially. We all feel the pressure to be that size 0 or 2. And like I said, commenting on weight is a tricky business.
Here are some experiences where I was not the only huge elephant sitting in the room:
#1: Pants
I was making out with this guy. We had made out before and it was fun. He was cute and he made me laugh, so overall, I was pleased. We started to go horizontal, like most make out sessions go, and I was on top. Articles of clothes start to come off. Then, boy starts to undo my pants. Okay, no big deal. But, then he tries to pull them off while I am straddling him. I was getting ready to shift to make this endeavor more successful when he decides to comment on my weight: "Maybe you should get a bigger pair of pants."
Umm......excuse me? Unless I am wearing tear away pants, I have no idea how the hell you though that these pants were coming off.
It didn't stop there though. He went on to say...."I have no idea how you even get those on. You should really get a larger size." I then said, "I have no issues with it, and no one else ever has. See, it is quite simple." I then proceeded to take on and off my pants within thirty seconds.
#2: Pillow Talk
Again, this takes place during a make out session. This time I was with someone a little more serious, someone I had been dating for awhile. While making out, we again start the horizontal thing and start shedding some clothes. Then, again, the comment comes: "Have you been gaining weight?"
This one occurred again when I was on top and this boy was grabbing me by the waist.
Hmm...a weird approach to some dirty talk. Oh, yeah...Tell me how fat I am. Smother me in gravy.
#3: Comparative Analysis
I found some old pictures from high school on the computer at my house. So, I decided to post them on facebook. A couple of days later I was back in Lawrence for New Year's Eve. We had been drinking, like most college students, and some of us were sitting around talking. Out of nowhere, my guy friend, one I use to have a huge crush on, says this: "Chelsea, you use to be so skinny and cute in high school. What happened?"
Oh, I don't know. I decided to not be cute or skinny any more. I changed my life goal into resembling Ursula from Little Mermaid. I mean, she had curves and in her song, she tells me that those curves are how us ladies get them fellas.
Here's the thing guys (if any guys read this), there are a limited amount of ways to comment on a woman's weight and there are even more limited amounts of appropriate times to comment on a woman's weight.
Top time not to comment....when you are about to get some. Not only does this ruin your chances, but I can promise you the lady in question will not forget and will probably not engage in such behavior with you again.
But also....it is just plain ass rude. That is the equivalent of me saying, "Oh, is your dick getting smaller?" Would you like that? No. Why? Because you are sensitive about your size and it such situations....you are even more sensitive. Same here, bucko.
I am comfortable with my luscious body. You would think that these experiences would have shattered me and that I would never again undress in front of a man. But....mama's got needs.
Seriously though. I just think these guys were not thinking correctly. Even if they did mean it....that is their deal. If they want a supermodel with non-existent boobs and the ability to count her ribs, good for them.
I am not the girl, and I am fine with that. :)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
For Brett and Jim
Indian Summer
In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!-Dorothy Parker
This post is for two guys in my life who stand as beacons of hope in a shit storm of guys. Jim and Brett are two of my best friends and they are two of the greatest guys I know. They were concerned that I was writing only self-deprecating posts. They were worried I was too hard on myself and that the posts on this blog are depressing. So, for them, I am going to write a post that is all about they way I am. Why I am a catch. Why I think I am a viable commodity in the dating market.
I suppose we can start with my physical appearance. As a complete package, I think I am pretty. I love my dimples. And my brown eyes. I get compliments on these two things frequently. I also like my smile because it is like my Mom's and sister's and grandma's. I have a turtle scar on the right side of my face by my eye that I got when I was about two. It use to bug me...but I think it adds some personality to my face. It is crude, but I do like my rack and I have a sufficient amount of junk in the trunk. I like my legs, they are pretty long. I am not skinny as a rail or a size two. But, I am pretty content with my weight. Yes, I would like to lose some of it...but I don't think I look overweight or fat. Just healthy. Oh, and I have hips. Oh, yes I do. I guess overall that's what I like about my body the most. My curves. They make me feel sexy and feminine.
As for my personality....I am a bit shy, but once you get to know me, I am pretty open. I have a somewhat caustic, sarcastic sense of humor. I like to fancy myself witty. I tend to be more introverted than anything. I think of myself as smart and intelligent. I try to smile as much as possible. I am more liberal minded than anything. I tend to think reality is more subjective than objective. I am pretty patient, but there are certain issues that I am really impatient with. I like to be punctual and hate running late to anything. I have a hard time trusting people, and if you lie to me, I get pretty upset. I am truly incapable of holding grudges and usually tend to forgive people too quickly.
Next, I like my values because I try to live by them daily. I value my family above everything. They come first. I believe in honesty. I believe in working hard and giving your all. I value my friends and would do anything for them. If I can help someone, make their life a little better, I will. I truly believe in treating others they way you want to be treated. I try to respect people because I wanted to be respected. I believe in karma and try to put out positive and good energy. I think the best thing I can do in this life is stay true to what I know and what I believe and surround myself with people whom I love.
Lastly, there are quirks I like about myself. Not that I think I am completely unique, but these are just things about me that I like. I think we all have that. I like my laugh. I like coming from a small town and growing up in a rural area. I like how I can be OCD with everything except my car. I like how I would sometimes rather get lost in a book than go out. I love listening to music and getting lost in it, thinking it's just for me. Same with a book. I LOVE reading and literature and poetry. Words are my life. I enjoy being a feminist. I enjoy looking at things, whether it be commercials, movies, tv shows, or books, critically. I like how I would rather wear t-shirts and jeans and put my hair in a ponytail than dress up. I am competitive in sports, especially basketball. I like playing HALO even though I suck at it.
So...to tie it all together....
In the past, especially high school, I tried to be what I was suppose to be. What I was expected to be. I know I could act a certain way, be a certain girl to please guys. To be that girl every guy wants. I have been that girl. She is lame. She is sad.
But now....I am woman who is confident in what I am, what I think, and what I enjoy. I like being this way. Quirks and mood swings and not coolness and all.
The posts on here are just experiences that ultimately shape who I am now, in the present. These guys are not what I measure myself or my life by. They are not the people I want to impress anymore. Just because they call me moody or fat or ugly doesn't mean I take that to heart and truly believe it.
I guess in the end, I just write about these type of fuck-my-life experiences because they have helped me realize who I want to be.
And who I want to be is a woman who lives by her own standards, not the standards of men.
(Is that better guys?)
In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!-Dorothy Parker
This post is for two guys in my life who stand as beacons of hope in a shit storm of guys. Jim and Brett are two of my best friends and they are two of the greatest guys I know. They were concerned that I was writing only self-deprecating posts. They were worried I was too hard on myself and that the posts on this blog are depressing. So, for them, I am going to write a post that is all about they way I am. Why I am a catch. Why I think I am a viable commodity in the dating market.
I suppose we can start with my physical appearance. As a complete package, I think I am pretty. I love my dimples. And my brown eyes. I get compliments on these two things frequently. I also like my smile because it is like my Mom's and sister's and grandma's. I have a turtle scar on the right side of my face by my eye that I got when I was about two. It use to bug me...but I think it adds some personality to my face. It is crude, but I do like my rack and I have a sufficient amount of junk in the trunk. I like my legs, they are pretty long. I am not skinny as a rail or a size two. But, I am pretty content with my weight. Yes, I would like to lose some of it...but I don't think I look overweight or fat. Just healthy. Oh, and I have hips. Oh, yes I do. I guess overall that's what I like about my body the most. My curves. They make me feel sexy and feminine.
As for my personality....I am a bit shy, but once you get to know me, I am pretty open. I have a somewhat caustic, sarcastic sense of humor. I like to fancy myself witty. I tend to be more introverted than anything. I think of myself as smart and intelligent. I try to smile as much as possible. I am more liberal minded than anything. I tend to think reality is more subjective than objective. I am pretty patient, but there are certain issues that I am really impatient with. I like to be punctual and hate running late to anything. I have a hard time trusting people, and if you lie to me, I get pretty upset. I am truly incapable of holding grudges and usually tend to forgive people too quickly.
Next, I like my values because I try to live by them daily. I value my family above everything. They come first. I believe in honesty. I believe in working hard and giving your all. I value my friends and would do anything for them. If I can help someone, make their life a little better, I will. I truly believe in treating others they way you want to be treated. I try to respect people because I wanted to be respected. I believe in karma and try to put out positive and good energy. I think the best thing I can do in this life is stay true to what I know and what I believe and surround myself with people whom I love.
Lastly, there are quirks I like about myself. Not that I think I am completely unique, but these are just things about me that I like. I think we all have that. I like my laugh. I like coming from a small town and growing up in a rural area. I like how I can be OCD with everything except my car. I like how I would sometimes rather get lost in a book than go out. I love listening to music and getting lost in it, thinking it's just for me. Same with a book. I LOVE reading and literature and poetry. Words are my life. I enjoy being a feminist. I enjoy looking at things, whether it be commercials, movies, tv shows, or books, critically. I like how I would rather wear t-shirts and jeans and put my hair in a ponytail than dress up. I am competitive in sports, especially basketball. I like playing HALO even though I suck at it.
So...to tie it all together....
In the past, especially high school, I tried to be what I was suppose to be. What I was expected to be. I know I could act a certain way, be a certain girl to please guys. To be that girl every guy wants. I have been that girl. She is lame. She is sad.
But now....I am woman who is confident in what I am, what I think, and what I enjoy. I like being this way. Quirks and mood swings and not coolness and all.
The posts on here are just experiences that ultimately shape who I am now, in the present. These guys are not what I measure myself or my life by. They are not the people I want to impress anymore. Just because they call me moody or fat or ugly doesn't mean I take that to heart and truly believe it.
I guess in the end, I just write about these type of fuck-my-life experiences because they have helped me realize who I want to be.
And who I want to be is a woman who lives by her own standards, not the standards of men.
(Is that better guys?)
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Back, Back, Back It Up
And if my heart be scarred and burned,
The safer I, for all I learned;
The calmer, I, to see it true
That ways of love are never new---Incurable, Dorothy Parker
In my previous post I said I was going to talk about men commenting on my weight, but, in light of a conversation I had with my mother today, I decided to go back even further into my history to share a story that I think has had a huge impact on my life. This is the story of Hank.
Hank was what one might call my puppy love. The first memory I have of Hank is from 1st grade. We were both mini-attendants for football Homecoming. We had to dress up for it and ride in a convertible at the parade. He held the crown and I handed out the corsages. After that I just remember chasing him around the playground and other elementary aged interaction with the opposite sex. We started "dating" in 3rd grade when he gave me a decorated hat box for Christmas. His mom made them, and he told her that he really wanted to give one to me. So, after he showed his emotions with material goods we were an item.
Hank and I continued our "relationship" for another two years. During these years we did not really do much. He was always my guy for the couple's skate at skating parties. We always exchanged Valentines. I went out to his farm to play with him and his cousin Colt, which included checking the coon traps and running through the hay bales. We would call each other during the summer and talk about harvest and softball. We held hands at recess sometimes and once he kissed me on that lips. That was about it.
But then the day came when Hank decided to end our relationship. It was on Valentine's Day in 5th grade at a high school basketball game. I had no idea he was going to break up with me. There was no inclination, no warning signs.
He did not have the guts to do it himself. He sent one of our mutual friends, Matt Frost, to break up with me. Matt just walked straight up to me in the cafeteria and said, "Hank is breaking up with you." I just stood there, stunned. I said, "Okay." I was not quite sure how to react. I did not cry, I did not go accost Hank. I just let it be.
Then, the next week, Hank started to date my arch nemesis of the time, Katy. Katy informed me that he broke up with me to date her because he thought she was better than me. He thought I was ugly and fat and just was not cool anymore. And, not being cool in 5th grade is pretty much the worst insult a kid could get. I did not really believe her, but he confirmed everything she said.
This marks the first time I was screwed over by a guy. I felt sad because he did not want me anymore. He thought I was worthless. He knew I did not like Katy, but he dated her not even a week after he broke up with me on VALENTINE'S DAY. It broke my little 5th grade heart that a boy had so easily discarded me.
Yet, when I think about this experience, I realize how this pattern repeats itself no matter what age a girl is. It was not the first time it happened. It was definitely not the last time it would happen. I continue to have my heart broken by a guy who was cowardly. A guy who would immediately rebound with a girl he had waiting in the wings, a girl I did not especially like. A guy who would say harsh things about me to my face. It is neither the first or last time a guy will make me feel worthless. The pattern repeats over and over and over, leaving me scarred and burned.
But, like Dorothy puts it, the safer, I, for all I learned; The safer, I, to see it true that ways of love are never new. It does help to know what to expect from a relationship and be realistic about it. Yes, that is pessimistic or cynical to think that the only way a relationship will end is in a tragic way. But if we are honest with ourselves, isn't there only a million to one shot that one relationship is the ONE?
Dorothy ends the poem with the line But you, my sweet, are different. It is that endearing hope that this new relationship, this new guy, this new love, this new connection is the one that breaks the pattern. The one that makes all those scars and burns a little less visible, a little less painful, until they are all but forgotten and healed.
Hank is getting married this month. He found his sweet to make things different.
I am not bitter or jealous. Hank taught me valuable things about men and about myself. I thank him for that and wish him nothing but happiness.
Me, I am incurable. I know the odds. I know the consequences. I know the gamble. But, I continue to search because I know there has to be at least one guy who will not think I am ugly, fat or uncool. He will think I am pretty, just right and totally cool.
Next time...I promise to write about the weight comments. Unless I am otherwise inspired.
The safer I, for all I learned;
The calmer, I, to see it true
That ways of love are never new---Incurable, Dorothy Parker
In my previous post I said I was going to talk about men commenting on my weight, but, in light of a conversation I had with my mother today, I decided to go back even further into my history to share a story that I think has had a huge impact on my life. This is the story of Hank.
Hank was what one might call my puppy love. The first memory I have of Hank is from 1st grade. We were both mini-attendants for football Homecoming. We had to dress up for it and ride in a convertible at the parade. He held the crown and I handed out the corsages. After that I just remember chasing him around the playground and other elementary aged interaction with the opposite sex. We started "dating" in 3rd grade when he gave me a decorated hat box for Christmas. His mom made them, and he told her that he really wanted to give one to me. So, after he showed his emotions with material goods we were an item.
Hank and I continued our "relationship" for another two years. During these years we did not really do much. He was always my guy for the couple's skate at skating parties. We always exchanged Valentines. I went out to his farm to play with him and his cousin Colt, which included checking the coon traps and running through the hay bales. We would call each other during the summer and talk about harvest and softball. We held hands at recess sometimes and once he kissed me on that lips. That was about it.
But then the day came when Hank decided to end our relationship. It was on Valentine's Day in 5th grade at a high school basketball game. I had no idea he was going to break up with me. There was no inclination, no warning signs.
He did not have the guts to do it himself. He sent one of our mutual friends, Matt Frost, to break up with me. Matt just walked straight up to me in the cafeteria and said, "Hank is breaking up with you." I just stood there, stunned. I said, "Okay." I was not quite sure how to react. I did not cry, I did not go accost Hank. I just let it be.
Then, the next week, Hank started to date my arch nemesis of the time, Katy. Katy informed me that he broke up with me to date her because he thought she was better than me. He thought I was ugly and fat and just was not cool anymore. And, not being cool in 5th grade is pretty much the worst insult a kid could get. I did not really believe her, but he confirmed everything she said.
This marks the first time I was screwed over by a guy. I felt sad because he did not want me anymore. He thought I was worthless. He knew I did not like Katy, but he dated her not even a week after he broke up with me on VALENTINE'S DAY. It broke my little 5th grade heart that a boy had so easily discarded me.
Yet, when I think about this experience, I realize how this pattern repeats itself no matter what age a girl is. It was not the first time it happened. It was definitely not the last time it would happen. I continue to have my heart broken by a guy who was cowardly. A guy who would immediately rebound with a girl he had waiting in the wings, a girl I did not especially like. A guy who would say harsh things about me to my face. It is neither the first or last time a guy will make me feel worthless. The pattern repeats over and over and over, leaving me scarred and burned.
But, like Dorothy puts it, the safer, I, for all I learned; The safer, I, to see it true that ways of love are never new. It does help to know what to expect from a relationship and be realistic about it. Yes, that is pessimistic or cynical to think that the only way a relationship will end is in a tragic way. But if we are honest with ourselves, isn't there only a million to one shot that one relationship is the ONE?
Dorothy ends the poem with the line But you, my sweet, are different. It is that endearing hope that this new relationship, this new guy, this new love, this new connection is the one that breaks the pattern. The one that makes all those scars and burns a little less visible, a little less painful, until they are all but forgotten and healed.
Hank is getting married this month. He found his sweet to make things different.
I am not bitter or jealous. Hank taught me valuable things about men and about myself. I thank him for that and wish him nothing but happiness.
Me, I am incurable. I know the odds. I know the consequences. I know the gamble. But, I continue to search because I know there has to be at least one guy who will not think I am ugly, fat or uncool. He will think I am pretty, just right and totally cool.
Next time...I promise to write about the weight comments. Unless I am otherwise inspired.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
In The Beginning There was Adam...
I hope God does not mind me taking a line from His good book. If he does, I am sure he will let me know about it. So, with the possibility of being struck down, I say unto thee, in the beginning there was Adam.
Adam was my first official boyfriend. I was a junior in high school, which puts me at about seventeen years old, when we started to date. We dated for a total of two months with a prior wooing period of about three months. We met through a youth group and quickly exchanged email addresses. He wooed me over AIM with eloquent, romantic language such as "lol", "brb", "g2g" and "cya." Not to mention the coy and emotion-filled emoticon like ":)" or ":D." I almost felt like I was lost in a Jane Austen novel.
He was from a different town which made him mysterious and exciting. He was taller than me, he had light green eyes, he was cute, he was interested in the same music as me and he liked me. That was the all the criteria I needed. Actually, all I think I really needed at this time in my life was that he liked me and that he was taller than me. The rest are just perks. I mean, all the other seven girls in my class had managed to secure a boy, yet I had not. I have no problem admitting I was desperate.
So, when he asked me out, I said yes. Let's be serious: cute person from opposite sex + likes me + pressure to fit in = high school relationship.
And that decision, my readers, is where my journey with weird and highly unsuccessful interactions with the male populace begins.
Within the first week of dating, Adam told me there was a song that reminded him of me. I, like any other girl, thought of how sweet such a comment was. I thought of all the songs it could be. Something romantic or sweet or cute. It could be, dare I think it, our song. I asked him which song. He replied Mood Swings by Relient K. (Oh, yes. He was also very Christian) Not familiar with the song or band, I returned home to download the song and look up the lyrics.
This is what I found:
she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so happy it's depressing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"
if it's drama you want then look no further
they're like the real world meets boy meets world meets days of our lives
and it just kills me how they get away with murder
they'll anger you then bat their eyes; those pretty eyes that watch you sympathize
Not a love song. Not a cute song. Not a sweet song. But instead, a this-girl-is-fucking-crazy song.
Needless to say, I was put off. I never did ask him what he meant by saying this song reminded him of me, in fear of appearing moody. I conjectured enough and came to my own conclusions. I just did not understand why he felt the need to tell me that he thought that I was an emotional wreck. Why he thought someone he was dating should know he believed they were over-the-top dramatic and moody. And, more importantly, what he thought my reaction was going to be to being called emotional. Surely he counted on it being...well, emotional.
I knew from that exact moment that this relationship was over. Yet, I continued to date him for another two months because it was high school and I was willing to over look it. Plus, the song did say I was "so pretty."
Although Adam and I have long since parted ways, I admit to having Mood Swings in my iTunes library and listening to it from time to time . I keep it was a reminder of what once was and what I never hope to repeat: Dating someone because it is convenient. Or dating someone who thinks you are a psycho.
Looking back though, I really do think this sets the pace for the following years. Men have continued to not just say typical male responses or comments, but have truly gone above and beyond the call of duty in making me stop and ask, what the fuck?
Next time......"No, Really, Feel Free to Comment on my Weight..."
Adam was my first official boyfriend. I was a junior in high school, which puts me at about seventeen years old, when we started to date. We dated for a total of two months with a prior wooing period of about three months. We met through a youth group and quickly exchanged email addresses. He wooed me over AIM with eloquent, romantic language such as "lol", "brb", "g2g" and "cya." Not to mention the coy and emotion-filled emoticon like ":)" or ":D." I almost felt like I was lost in a Jane Austen novel.
He was from a different town which made him mysterious and exciting. He was taller than me, he had light green eyes, he was cute, he was interested in the same music as me and he liked me. That was the all the criteria I needed. Actually, all I think I really needed at this time in my life was that he liked me and that he was taller than me. The rest are just perks. I mean, all the other seven girls in my class had managed to secure a boy, yet I had not. I have no problem admitting I was desperate.
So, when he asked me out, I said yes. Let's be serious: cute person from opposite sex + likes me + pressure to fit in = high school relationship.
And that decision, my readers, is where my journey with weird and highly unsuccessful interactions with the male populace begins.
Within the first week of dating, Adam told me there was a song that reminded him of me. I, like any other girl, thought of how sweet such a comment was. I thought of all the songs it could be. Something romantic or sweet or cute. It could be, dare I think it, our song. I asked him which song. He replied Mood Swings by Relient K. (Oh, yes. He was also very Christian) Not familiar with the song or band, I returned home to download the song and look up the lyrics.
This is what I found:
she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so happy it's depressing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"
if it's drama you want then look no further
they're like the real world meets boy meets world meets days of our lives
and it just kills me how they get away with murder
they'll anger you then bat their eyes; those pretty eyes that watch you sympathize
Not a love song. Not a cute song. Not a sweet song. But instead, a this-girl-is-fucking-crazy song.
Needless to say, I was put off. I never did ask him what he meant by saying this song reminded him of me, in fear of appearing moody. I conjectured enough and came to my own conclusions. I just did not understand why he felt the need to tell me that he thought that I was an emotional wreck. Why he thought someone he was dating should know he believed they were over-the-top dramatic and moody. And, more importantly, what he thought my reaction was going to be to being called emotional. Surely he counted on it being...well, emotional.
I knew from that exact moment that this relationship was over. Yet, I continued to date him for another two months because it was high school and I was willing to over look it. Plus, the song did say I was "so pretty."
Although Adam and I have long since parted ways, I admit to having Mood Swings in my iTunes library and listening to it from time to time . I keep it was a reminder of what once was and what I never hope to repeat: Dating someone because it is convenient. Or dating someone who thinks you are a psycho.
Looking back though, I really do think this sets the pace for the following years. Men have continued to not just say typical male responses or comments, but have truly gone above and beyond the call of duty in making me stop and ask, what the fuck?
Next time......"No, Really, Feel Free to Comment on my Weight..."
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Experience
"Men seldom make passes / At girls who wear glasses"-Dorothy Parker
Yup. Dorothy had it right. I think I could add to her list, too. Or perhaps just make it more specific; Men seldom make passes at girls named Chelsea Magruder.
But, bless her, she kindly avoided using my name. Plus, Magruder does not really rhyme with glasses. Maybe I could just modify it a bit to fit...Men seldom try to get in the cooter of girls named Chelsea Magruder. Not as eloquent. More crass than anything.
I digress. What I am trying to convey is that I feel that Dorothy Parker is a kindred spirit. Her poetry, short stories and witty quips share an emotionally honest look at what it means to be a woman. Whether that woman be in love, out of love, looking for love or looking for an end. Even though she wrote a bulk of her verses almost ninety years ago, those verses give a certain solace; I know that I am not the first, or last, woman to fail to "inspire / In men the rush and roar of fire." She humourusly sums up how I feel about most men I have met; they "Were---shall we say?---born out of wedlock."
Most important to anyone reading this, Dorothy Parker has inspired me to share my own experiences. Not to meet some sort of self-aggrandizing agenda, but in hopes that through (what I hope to convey as) wit, I can help other women find solace and humor in those experiences that make us who we are. And selfishly, to make myself find solace and humor in those experiences.
So, expect to find posts about past, present and future experiences in my life. I think the prevailing theme will be of that bitch LOVE and my experience in the pursuit of it. As you can tell by my beginning, my experiences tend to be more pessimistic than anything. There will also be some observations and rhetorical questions thrown in to mix things up. Oh, and constant references to and quotes from Dorothy Parker, my own personal god.
Next time...."In the Beginning there was Adam...."
Yup. Dorothy had it right. I think I could add to her list, too. Or perhaps just make it more specific; Men seldom make passes at girls named Chelsea Magruder.
But, bless her, she kindly avoided using my name. Plus, Magruder does not really rhyme with glasses. Maybe I could just modify it a bit to fit...Men seldom try to get in the cooter of girls named Chelsea Magruder. Not as eloquent. More crass than anything.
I digress. What I am trying to convey is that I feel that Dorothy Parker is a kindred spirit. Her poetry, short stories and witty quips share an emotionally honest look at what it means to be a woman. Whether that woman be in love, out of love, looking for love or looking for an end. Even though she wrote a bulk of her verses almost ninety years ago, those verses give a certain solace; I know that I am not the first, or last, woman to fail to "inspire / In men the rush and roar of fire." She humourusly sums up how I feel about most men I have met; they "Were---shall we say?---born out of wedlock."
Most important to anyone reading this, Dorothy Parker has inspired me to share my own experiences. Not to meet some sort of self-aggrandizing agenda, but in hopes that through (what I hope to convey as) wit, I can help other women find solace and humor in those experiences that make us who we are. And selfishly, to make myself find solace and humor in those experiences.
So, expect to find posts about past, present and future experiences in my life. I think the prevailing theme will be of that bitch LOVE and my experience in the pursuit of it. As you can tell by my beginning, my experiences tend to be more pessimistic than anything. There will also be some observations and rhetorical questions thrown in to mix things up. Oh, and constant references to and quotes from Dorothy Parker, my own personal god.
Next time...."In the Beginning there was Adam...."
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