The Man That Got Away...

Ever since this world began
There is nothing sadder than
A one-man woman looking for
The man that got away...
-The Man That Got Away, Judy Garland from A Star Is Born

First some background:

I am an avid fan of Gilmore Girls. Amy Sherman-Palladino, the creator of and writer for the show, introduced me to Dorothy Parker, The Way We Were and A Star Is Born. Lorelai Gilmore is a woman I want to be, minus the pregnancy at age sixteen. She is smart, funny, strong and witty. The biggest compliment I have ever received is when a man told me I looked like Lorelai Gilmore.

Now...in Gilmore Girls you wait since the very first episode for Lorelai and Luke Danes to get together. And finally, in season five they do. If I am pessimistic or in a foul mood, I watch the episodes when they go on their first day, they have their kiss and when he builds her an ice rink. Yet, they have a split up in the middle of the season. The day after they brake up, Lorelai calls Luke and leaves a message on his answering machine where she rambles on and on about The Way We Were and Hubbell and Katie. Eventually, they do get back together and when they do, Lorelai is watching A Star is Born and "The Man That Got Away" is playing in the background.

I Netflix-ed The Way We Were and A Star is Born because of those references in Gilmore Girls and LOVED them both. On the surface they are super depressing. They both end with the supposed love of the leading lady's life leaving her. In The Way We Were Hubbell leaves Katie after moving to California, making memories that cloud the corners of one's mind, and having a daughter. In A Star is Born (original screenplay written by none other than Dorothy Parker) Norman kills himself after Esther becomes a bright new star while his star fades and his alcoholism takes over his life. (Interesting side note....Barbara Streisand stars in a remake of A Star is Born with Kris Kristofferson in 1976)

But for me these two movies tell a more true story of love and romance, or at least present a reality I can more easily accept. I think in the end they have a more powerful, positive message.

Here is the part I find most interesting about the relationships in those two movies: Both relationships are doomed from the start. There is something fundamentally wrong or unequal with the relationship that will prevent it from ever being that happily-ever-after we all seem to crave.

Katie devoted herself to Hubbell. She moved out to California with him, hung out with his less than politically knowlegdeable friends and had his child. She involved herself with his friends and entertained them even though she was not a huge fan of them. Most importantly, Katie was the only person who truly believed in his writing ability and urged him to write his novel.

But....Hubbell was less committed to her. He would not stand up for her and her ideals. He didn't show her the encouragement or devotion she showed him. He resented her for her strong personality and her convictions. He was embarrassed of her communist sympathies. And sadly, he left her after she had their daughter. Hubbell found her intriguing and he may have loved her at one point, but it was not an enduring love.

Esther and Norman had a relationship based upon power and control. At the start Norman had the power, but that quickly changed. Esther was the nobody to start with and Norman was the prized star of Hollywood. With Norman's assistance, Esther rose to become the new It girl of Hollywood. But, Norman's alcoholism began to take over his life and slowly his career began to suffer. Instead of blaming himself for his failing career, Norman began to resent Esther and was furious that he had ever given her the chance to become someone. He was envious of her and her success. Despite his anger towards her, Esther would nurse Norman back to health and support him. Finally, Norman takes responsibility for his actions and not being able to deal with that responsibility or the fact that he has become a burden to Esther, kills himself. I think, personally, he could not deal with the fact the she so fully and completely loved him and he basically just shat all over that love time and time again.

I have not had an earth moving or shattering love like Hubbell and Katie or Esther and Norman. But, I have fancied myself in love before. I have felt connected to a member of the opposite sex more, been more intimate emotionally, physically and mentally with that one person more than I ever thought possible. In my one serious relationship I fully and completely gave myself to the other person, only to be shat on repeatedly. I was all in while he was just partly in. I am sure he loved me for a brief moment or that he had convinced himself that he loved me. But like Hubbell, he lacked an enduring love and like Norman, I think he could not stand not being in control. And like Esther and Katie....that man got away.

Which, yes, is depressing and sad. I have spent more energy and effort, tears and screams, and time and frustration on this guy than I ever want to admit. Like my female counterparts, I have felt abandonded and sad. The one man that I gave myself completely to turned out to not truly want me or deserve me.

BUT...and this is a big BUT...that is the way it should be. We are all better off for getting out of those relationships. Like I said...they were never going to work out from the start. I knew that with my relationship, which started because I refused to be a fuck buddy so he decided he would just cave in and date me, the man would never really want to be my boyfriend. I knew this just as Katie knew Hubbell would never grow a spine or Esther knew Norman would never love her as much as he loved his booze. Although we were in love, it was not the right love because it was not an equal partnership; we loved the man that got away more than he loved us.

I look at Katie and Esther though and think of what they accomplished after that man got away. Katie went on to pursue her political activism and Esther went on to win an Oscar. These women are strong and show us that just because we lose that one guy, that one love, does not mean our lives are over. There is a future before us. We are better for loving that man and going on to do more.

So...this is the moral to my story: The man that got away broke my heart. It was sad. It still is sad on some days. Yet, I am better off without him, for it gives me room to become someone great.

The man that got away was just getting out of my way.