Never Ending Story

I came home this weekend to see family. I hadn't been home for over a month and I needed to get back to my roots. But that's not the only reason I came home. Jablonski and I had talked about me coming home and us going on a date. I was eager to see him again and he sounded just as eager to see me. He told me he wanted to talk about "us" and to take me out. I agreed to that. I haven't been on a date in YEARS and I like this guy, so it sounded like perfection.

Here's a little look inside my head before we get too far in this newest chapter of my never ending love story with Jablonski. It's been almost two months since we made out and we started talking a lot. Ever since that day we call each other and talk about life. He even called me on my birthday in the morning and left me a happy birthday voicemail then called me after work to ask how my day went. Cute. We talk about the whole "us" thing, too. We both think that doing a long distance relationship would be too much, but it's hard to deny the draw we feel for each other. I know that sounds out of control gushy. And it is. But I seriously think about him way too much for my own good and as stated before, he gives me all those tell tale signs of romantic queasiness. So, the last almost two months I have spent a great deal of time thinking about the possibility of Jablonski and me as a lovey twosome. There is a possibility. But for every great thing I come up with (the way I feel kissing him, being in his arms, talking to him, telling him about my day, his glacial blue eyes) I come up with at least three bad things (distance, jealousy, futures, wants, needs). The bad things are serious things. I can't help but think that we should at least both share the same wants, the same possible futures. I'd also be lying if I didn't factor in what my friends and family would say or think if I did seriously date him. As everyone keeps telling me, he's not exactly who people picture me with.

Then I stop and think, wait. Is this just me putting up more barriers? I can over analyze a possible relationship to death before it even has a life. Is this just me doing the same? Should I take that proverbial leap of faith and open myself up to someone new? Give myself the chance to fall in love again? (Seriously, since when did I let myself become some freaking heroine in a romance novel)

After much analyzing, chocolate eating, flip flopping, Dorothy Parker reading, and soul searching, I decided, why not give it a chance? So, when he asked about the whole date thing, I said yes.

So, like I said, I came home this weekend. I packed at least five different outfits for the date. I brought a curler and a straightener. And I think every color of eyeshadow I own. Just in case. He called me Friday night, but I wasn't going to be home until late because of a thunderstorm that forced me off the road for awhile. He agreed to call me Saturday when he got off work so we could make some concrete plans. Saturday afternoon rolled around and he called while I was in town with my siblings. We talk and agree to hang out later that night. He said he was going to go swimming and do some errands, so he'd just call me when he was done with that.

I got back from town. Took a shower. Shaved my legs. Spent extra time picking out an outfit. Spent extra time doing my make up. Kept my hair down because he mentioned he liked it when I had my hair down. I was cute and ready to go out with my pseudo boo. I was just waiting for his call.....6:30 pm....7:00 pm....8:00 pm....9:00 pm....10:00 pm....11:00 pm...

No call. Nothing. Nada. Silence. I checked my phone every five minutes. I checked the home phone to make sure it was working properly.

So like any sane person, I decided to just go to bed. And by go to bed I mean I left the living room and my parents and went to the guest bedroom to cry myself to sleep. I threw myself a pity party and cried what was left of my shattered little heart out.

Because I set myself up again. I got too excited. Too invested too soon.

And why couldn't he have called? I rationalized. Something came up. Something had to have come up. But that doesn't help. He didn't call. That's that.

I guess that's what's such a bitch about liking people or having feelings for someone. Everything becomes a personal affront. I take Jablonski not calling me as a huge rejection. And it hurts even worse because I was so sure he was interested because of everything he said. I feel stupid for believing that he could have liked me so much, wanted to be with me at all.

My sister says not to be too harsh on him because he is super shy after all. But I'm done. I've had five years of being jerked around by this guy. I'm shy, too, but I call when I say I will. And if he really wanted to be with me, the effort would be there.

He tried to call my cell phone this afternoon. I don't get good enough service here at my house to answer it. He left no voicemail. I don't care to call him back right now. Maybe tomorrow after I'm not so pissed and hurt.

In the end, what I'm saying is this is the final chapter of my never ending love story with Jablonski. I'm tired of giving guys a second or third or millionth chance. Or waiting on them to be ready to commit, find time for me.

I'm finally realizing and believing that I am worth the commitment and the time. And I'm not going to settle for someone who doesn't agree.