Excommunicated

So, I think one of the most awkward/tumultuous relationships you can have with anyone is being their ex. It doesn't matter if you broke up ten years ago or yesterday. There is always that underlying current of "Hey, we use to date and although we both agreed to be adults and end this amicably, we still are engaged in an subtle game of I'm the winner of the break up." Add to this already high stakes emotional duel the new girlfriend/boyfriend and shit gets crazy.

Let's take for example my very first boyfriend. It was a high school relationship. We broke up, stayed friends after the break up, and over the years stayed in touch. Then came the day I heard from a mutual friend he was getting married. For some reason I felt a pang of hatred for this girl he was going to marry. I had never met her, I had zero feelings for this guy, but I still felt territorial over him because he had been MINE at one point. I had him first. Which is super irrational and just dumb. But also mixed in this pang of hatred for this new girl was a feeling that I had loss. I was single and here he was getting married. Now, if we take a step back and look at the facts surrounding his marriage and me being single, I think I would win that victory laurel. Yet despite my rationality, I still felt like in our break up, which happened 5 years ago, he won.

My most recent ex is more dramatic. Instead of there even being the pretense of "let's be friends," I feel that we are and always have been mortal enemies. When he started dating this new girl, he informed me she hated me and didn't want him to be around me. Of course I didn't respond well to that. I'd never met her and I had been friends with this guy for 4 years. As a girl I could understand though. What girl ever wants her new boo to hang out with their ex? They have a history, one you are missing from, and you are always suspicious of her intentions. She's that person, whether you like to admit or not, you always compare yourself to.

Yet I feel the ex-girlfriend paranoia was taken too far. I was Ex-communicated. No more texting, no more talking, no more seeing each other at mutual friends' parties, no more phone calls, no contact at all. I became the heretic.

Of course this hurt. I'll readily admit to feeling like a victim because that's how I felt. When you go from talking to someone every day and then poof, nothing, it hurts. Especially when you know that it is a direct result from a third-party who does not even know you hating you. Plus I was already losing in the break up game. He had a new girlfriend. She was cute and blonde and light eyed and skinny. Me, I was single and brunette and brown eyed and definitely not skinny. Which is one of the many reasons I cut him out of my life, too. I was tired of feeling like a victim. I also wanted to remove myself from his new relationship equation. I did not want to be that ex they make fun or scoff at, saying, oh how pathetic. Also, it was me taking a last stand on the battlefield. Me versus the couple.

Well, over the months I ran into the said couple. Every time they refuse to talk to me or acknowledge I exist. I'll be having a conversation with someone and one of them will interrupt it to ask a question, simply ignoring the fact I'm there. Good byes will be said to everyone excluding me. Once they stood behind me at a bar and were kissing. Which I know makes me sound more like a victim, but seriously. You obviously already have the upper hand in this game. I'm still not talking to him, I'm still single and obviously a spinster. A cold hearted bitch whom no one can love, right? So why go through that trouble? Why not just say hi or good bye? I guess I just feel like it is more awkward and trouble to ignore my existence then to engage in simple small talk.

So, I took a different approach. I was tired of being so passive and feeling all woe is me. I hated letting them make me feel sad and pathetic. I decided to say hi and ask about a mutual friend. I wanted to show we could all be adults and be in the same space with each other. I can obviously talk to you guys without trying to break up your relationship. Well, that back fired. I guess because I tried to be nice and mature, I am just coming across as desperate, pathetic and grasping for straws to try to win him back because I am obviously still in love with him. And I obviously go around telling anyone who will listen how I'm the victim, blaming my ex for my current spinster status.

But, in the end, aren't we all playing the victim? Me because I'm losing the battle of the break up and I've been ex-communicated. Him because I'm obviously overly dramatic and just want to wiggle my way back in. Her because I'm an annoying pest that represents a time with her boo where I was his girl and I just won't go away. All of our perspectives are valid. I don't blame her for hating me, really. Because I would hate me, too. And I don't blame him for ignoring me because that's what's best for his new relationship.

Yet I guess in the end what frustrates me the most is how cut throat this gets. With so many feelings involved, it's hard not to get hurt and angry. Vengeful even. Which is so uncalled for because despite what she may think, I don't blame him for my current spinster status. I have no one but myself to blame for that. And I don't want him back. We had our time. It's over. He's over it, he's with her. I'm over it, dating other people. I just wish she would realize what a great thing she has with him and not focus so much energy on despising me. Same for him. I'm not trying to sound conceited saying they spend all this time plotting against me, but I just think it'd be healthier for us all if we could be in the same space and just acknowledge each other.

I sincerely wish them happiness. He's a nice guy and she seems like a sweet girl.

But, I just hope I'm happier. :)