Adventures as Miss Pross

The past weekend I played Miss Pross to my little brother and his friend that is a girl but isn't his girlfriend. (Never make the mistake of calling her his girlfriend. Shit will go down.) As I sat driving them into Wichita to see a movie and have dinner, I was struck with an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. I mean, there is nothing like being up front and center for viewing ill-equipped high school kids start to venture out into the abyss of relationships to make you feel all the angst, butterflies, and anxiety that defines your teens.

I flashbacked to days of immediacy and urgency that controlled everything. Everything in high school was high stakes and could, like, totally ruin the rest of your life. Heartbreak, a C, a fight with your friend, your parents ignorance of your own unique problems they would never understand. High school was a time that was always in ALL CAPS and accentuated with exclamation marks.

Which got me thinking about the things I did or did not do in high school.

I never thought having a boyfriend was the end all be all. Yes, I felt the pressure to have one. I had hormones racing at the speed of light, so of course I wanted to find a guy to explore those urges with, too. But....I never felt that if I didn't have a boyfriend, I would die. I had a good handful of boys ask me out. I was kind of interested in them, I liked hanging out with them, but I just didn't feel like dating them. So, I said no, to the utter horror of my girlfriends and mother. How on earth could I turn down a man who wanted do take me out in his truck? Didn't I know what I was turning down? Umm....yes, I did. In most of those cases, I knew for a fact the guy was more interested in getting in my pants then getting to know me. I hated the whole basing my value or worth on the caliber of boy I dated.

I quite honestly was more concerned with my grades and going to college. Boy crazy never really fit into a description of me. I had priorities and boys just never were one. Which is probably why I got the prude nickname.

But, prude I was not. There was a brief stint during my sophomore year that I am not necessarily proud of because I looked outside myself for worth or acceptance. I hung out with some girls who used there bodies to get attention from boys. They fascinated me. I just remember thinking that if these girls were all doing it, then it must be normal, and obviously it had great results. So, I joined in for a couple of months. I flashed some guys, made out with some guys, let guys feel me up. I wouldn't go any further, which made me a prude and tease, but I knew from my best friend that if I did go further, I would be a slut. After a couple of months of this, I hated myself. Those boys didn't like ME, they liked my body. I saw my friend get in deeper and deeper, getting hurt emotionally, actually getting hit by her boyfriend, being called names. I got out. I knew that for me, being objectified was not what I wanted. I found myself again, gained more confidence, and decided that my relationship with boys was something I wanted to be based on more than sex and the pursuit of it.

That's not to say that I didn't have the occasional hook-up in high school with guys I was not dating. They were situations where I was good friends with the guy and we ended up making out. It was fun and it was a good way to release some of that pent up sexual frustration.

Now, as a twenty-three year old woman, I feel like those high school experiences have paved the way for my present outlook on life. I like boys. I really do. I like having fun hook ups with guys I feel are on an equal footing with me, i.e. we both are in it to have fun and we both have mutual respect for each other. I like to date, but I don't actively pursue it. I can see myself getting married and having children, but that is not my objective for now. Now, I want to get to know myself better. Travel. Establish a career.

Moving back home has made me think even more about my priorities. Over half my class is married/having kids. I am the only girl in my class not in a serious relationship. Townspeople ask me why I am not engaged at community functions and hoe-downs. Sometimes I feel lonely or pressure from this, but I stop myself for getting to worried. This is the "expected" way of life for me, not the reality of my life.

And, if high school taught me anything it was that I set my own expectations and y=mx+b.