Telephone

Oh, that bitch of technological advancement known as the telephone. How many of us sit around waiting to hear its siren call? You just KNOW it has to be him on the other end, finally calling you back as he said he would. But, no. It was only your mom asking you to pick up some cat food or a friend asking for some help on a paper. The siren has done it again. Led you closer to it, to touch it and respond to it, feeding you visions of your deepest desires, only to dash those desires and your heart to bits.

Sound bitter? A bit.

I spent the weekend on pins and needles waiting for a boy (Jablonski) to call me back as he promised he would. He said that he did want to hang out with me this weekend, but he just had to check out some plans with a friend and that he would call me back to let me know what time we could meet up. I am guessing since he never called me back that time to hang out would be Never In A Million Years.

I knew as I obsessively checked my phone every five minutes that I was being foolish, letting myself invest to much hope. He has a horrible track record for calling me back. I knew it was a long shot, told myself repeatedly that it was, but yet....I checked my phone like my life depended on it. Daring myself to believe that maybe this once it would work out.

In a time after He's Just Not That Into You, I see the signs that he is, indeed, probably not that into me. Not as much as I hoped or willed. Yes, he flirts with me when I see him and makes (empty) promises of dates or hanging out, but he could just be doing that because he knows I am interested. At this point, I don't really care to analyze why he does it or if he really does care about me in any way or if this is just part of some huge game we all end up playing.

What I do care about is how just because my phone fails to ring with his voice on the other end asking me to live a happily-ever-after, I am left crushed.

See, in my mind, him not calling me back is evidence that I am in fact, not lovable. I am not wanted. I am a throw away, something best left alone. Which on most days is not how I see myself, but on days like these, it is. Plus, the sting is worse this time than others. I ran into my ex and his girlfriend last weekend and that threw me for a loop. My ex always makes me feel that way. Disposable. Unwanted. Because of this, I feel this desperate need to validate myself outside of needing him or being with him, and this validation can only be gained through securing the affection of another male. If another man dates me or seems to find something valuable in me, that proves my ex wrong. I am a viable commodity in the dating world.

Which, of course, is so dumb and not true. But, the last couple of years with men (as this blog can attest) has taken its toll on me. I am left weakened and bruised. Moving back home has added to this defeated outlook because I see all my best friends from high school and classmates getting married or starting serious grown-up relationships. Some of which, if I am being honest, I feel don't deserve it. Sounds harsh, but, I did not grow up calling people fat cows and bitches repeatedly like they did so I find it hard to think they should find some sort of happiness or someone who loves them while I am left bitter and alone.

I don't know. I know there is no secret formula for finding someone to love. This is all just bullshit I will have to put up with until I find a guy that makes the bullshit worth it.

But, until Mr. Future comes into my life, I am left cursing my telephone and giving it a good toss across the room. :)