Jumping Off The Deep End

I've been MIA the last couple of months. I know I've been missed greatly by my readership, and for that I apologize. But....it has been for an amazing, if not surprising, reason.

I, Chelsea Magruder, have a serious boyfriend. These last 3 months have been spent spending time with a man who actually wants to spend time with me and likes me. I know....it's mind blowing.

So of course, this post will be about this important change in my life.

When I was six years old, I took swimming lessons during the summer. It was my favorite thing about those hot, humid Kansas days. In the morning I would go learn the finer techniques for not drowning and then in the afternoons I would convince my mom to take me back to the pool so I could pretend I was a mermaid or just splash around like a normal annoying little kid.

As the summer progressed and my non-drowning skills improved, I was granted permission to swim in the deep end. I moved from the 3 feet area to the 5 feet area to the 12 feet area of the pool. I was a big shot, swimming where the big kids swam. Yet, there was still one more hurdle to overcome...that one big kid thing that would seal the deal on my mad swimming skills: The Diving Board.

The Diving Board stood as a symbol of maturity and bravery. You were granted permission to jump off it only when you had been deemed worthy of its responsibility and skill level. It was the grown up apparatus of the pool.

The diving board was at least 5 feet above the water. And I was afraid of heights. Subsequently, I was terrified of the diving board. The thought of jumping off it froze my brain and body. I just knew that if I made that jump into the deep end, I would drown. My body's energy from the jump and the laws of gravity would propel me to the bottom of the pool where I would meet my end. It was a catastrophic thought with little if any rationality, but my six year old mind was convinced this was what would happen. I would jump off the diving board into the deep end where the endless abyss would claim my little chubby body.

Yet....I had worked sooo hard in conquering my body's natural urge to sink to the bottom of the water that it felt silly not to complete this last task. Prove my maturity, skill and bravery by taking the plunge. It was a matter of being confident in my ability and being sure of myself. I could ride a bike, dress myself, brush my own teeth and spell my name; I could jump off the diving board.

So the day came when I walked up that ladder. I walked down the length of the diving board to stand at the end and peer over the edge. My body started to scream NO NO NO NO NO NO at me while I stood there, but my mind stood firm. I could see the surface of the water, but not much further past there. I knew there was an end to it, a bottom, but it just wasn't something that was completely clear to me. After what felt like a lifetime, I took a deep breath, gathered my strength and jumped.

And obviously I lived. This blog isn't being written by a six year old ghost. I kicked my little pudgy legs and broke the surface. I felt good and happy and invincible.

This is how I feel about my relationship with my boyfriend, Matt. My past experiences, past relationships, past whatevers have all been training me for our relationship. I've come to a point in my life where I feel sure of who I am and what I want. I moved my way up from the 3 feet end to the diving board.

It's scary to sit at the edge of something wonderful wondering if you should jump or just escape. You can peer over the edge, imagining what lies beyond. Will you sink or swim?

I got to that point with Matt. There I was, looking over that edge. I knew that if I took the leap there was a chance it wouldn't end well. I couldn't see the ending, see the future for us, but I knew that I had to take that chance. Be a big girl and take the plunge.

With Matt I'm swimming. I took a deep breath and took the jump, said the L word and meant it. He's an amazing man. He's smart, cute, witty, caring, understanding, funny, adventurous, kind and he challenges me.

I wasn't sure there was someone out there like that for me or that I'd ever really be able to be in love again. But here I am; in love and happy as a clam.

So yeah...that's what I've been doing the last 3 months. And expect more posts, my friends, as the past 3 months have provided a long list of topics and thoughts to share.

Be excited or not. Whatever. I'm still gonna write, biatches. :)