Is this real Life?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you're convinced you're in a book or a movie? More specifically a Lifetime Movie? You just stop and think, this must be a dream. This never happens in real life. Until you realize, oh wait, this is really happening.

That was my Sunday night. I think I could write at least ten posts regarding this specific event in my life, but for your sake I will keep it to this one.

Remember how I said, Jablonski...done? I lied. Like a pathetic girl looking for attention and acceptance from a male, I decided to give him another chance and hang out with him this weekend. I knew we would never work out. I knew the chances of anything good coming of this were slim to none. Yet, there I was agreeing to hang out with him on the phone, setting myself up for disaster because he was a boy who thought I was pretty. And we all know that's all that matters.

What makes this even more pathetic is how I spent my Saturday night and Sunday night with Jablonski. Saturday night should definitely have been enough for me to say, later gator. Saturday night he decided to tell me I was big boned and I should go to the gym, that everything in high school was my fault because he doesn't chase girls, they chase him, that I'm boring, that I'm too shy for him, yet he still loves me and wants to marry me. Oh, and he left me for part of the night to talk to an old flame from high school just to make me jealous. You think this would be enough. After being treated like that, any self respecting lady would say fuck off douche. But self respecting I am obviously not because the next night I hung out with him again. And oh boy.

We ended up going parking. I was excited because here I was, finally looking to seal the deal with my crush to end all crushes. This is what happened though, and why I thought this would be a satisfying, special experience is beyond me.

I start losing clothes and he starts grabbing my fat commenting on how I should go to the gym, I push it aside. He says my pants have too high of a waist, they're old man jeans, I push it aside. I get down to my underwear, boy shorts, and he laughs and says they look like granny panties, I push it aside. He comments on how I'm too big to do stuff in the car with him, I push it aside. I start to kiss him and what not, and he laughs at me, I push it aside. We kind of start having sex, but it isn't really working out. So we stop. He asks me how many times I've had sex. I tell him enough to know how it goes. He comments that obviously that's not true because I'm too tight and pretty lousy, I push it aside. But then he says something that broke my heart and I didn't push aside.

I previously told him about my ex boyfriend who hurt my feelings when I decided to have sex with him and then he cried. Told him that in confidence. So of course he'd shatter that confidence and simultaneously make me lose faith in all male kind. He honestly told me after telling me I'm lousy, "Well, you made your ex-boyfriend cry when you had sex with him, right? No wonder he left you."

I'm not going to lie. Word vomit has never hurt me worse than that. Every time I think of this comment I cringe and tear up. As I've shared before, I've had some pretty horrendous things said to me. They hurt, but I could always look back soon after and laugh. This, this is different. I've never had someone so blatantly use words to hurt me.

I can imagine why he said this. Yet, I don't want to make excuses for him because it makes me feel like I deserved to be treated that way. Which I do feel like I did. Like I was asking for it. I knew that I shouldn't be with him or that it would never work out with him. That didn't stop me from entering into that situation, making it out to be something it wasn't. I have to stop and wonder if I am so desperate for attention/acceptance from a man that I would allow myself to be this girl. Am I that delusional? That sad?

Yes. I was. Because he said that and I didn't make a move. Just said, I'm done and laughed. He called the next day to hang out, I said no. He didn't understand why I didn't want to hang out. Then he said he just wouldn't call me again to which I replied, okay then. I know I said it before, but this was the last chapter. I tried it out, and no.

I am not desperate enough to be with someone like that. I do have enough self esteem to realize this is not an ideal situation/relationship.

Because I have to believe that there is a man somewhere who will not call me fat or relate my clothing to old people clothes. There just has to be a man who, as corny as it sounds, likes me for me, big bones and all.