"This is why I will never be completely satisfied by a woman, and this is why the kind of woman I tend to find attractive will never be satisfied by me. We will both measure our relationship against the prospect of fake love."
"I want fake love. but that's all I want, and that's why I can't have it."-Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs
This is seriously one of my favorite topics to think about, write about or talk about. Fake love. I am fascinated with love. How people define in, the pursuit of it, sonnets, ballads...just about everything.
Now, I know I have only lived a paltry twenty-three years on this earth and that you might balk at me for thinking I know anything about love or relationships, but I swear to Pikachu that about twenty-one of those years have been used to brainwash me into wanting an unobtainable goal, LOVE. So..I admit to not being an authority, but I think we are all experts on this subject in our own ways.
I can trace back my longing for LOVE, the mind-blowing, earth-shattering, Prince Charming LOVE, to Disney and Barbie. I am not solely blaming popular culture for my current melancholy and spinster status, but I do think that pop culture sure did set me up.
Take for instance Barbie and Ken. Plastic people with an endearing LOVE. I remember watching commercials for their wedding back in the '80s and I remember my talking Barbie telling me about how she hopes Ken will call her. I remember Barbie's dream house. Basically I remember Barbie and Ken being a perfect couple who got married, rode horses together, enjoyed hanging out by their pool together, roller bladed together, and did freaking EVERYTHING TOGETHER.
Growing up I thought that true love meant doing everything together, spending every waking moment with the other person. I dreamed of finding my no-penis plastic man like Ken and doing all the fun stuff Barbie and Ken did. But...assessing this now, I could never handle being an extreme couple like this. I would lose myself and define myself by the "us" and I would get super annoyed of doing everything with my main squeeze.
Another example...Disney. I really do not need to expand on this...but seriously. Someday My Prince Will Come. So This Is Love. Once Upon a Dream. Beauty and the Beast. Obviously we all knew growing up that we would not happen to cross paths with a prince, but damn it if I did not think I would run into a super attractive male who within a second would fall in love with me and burst out into a romantic song of how he has waited his whole life for a woman like me.
As I got older my pop culture references and influences changed to movies and music. Same thing occurred. Daily I would encounter people meeting and falling in love. Yes, nothing was ever perfect, but these two-dimensional people and relationships set the pace for what I expected from my real three-dimensional relationships.
This is the reason I am writing this. Here is my confession:
I honestly thought when I was eighteen and getting ready to leave for college that I would fall in love with a tall, blue-eyed man who loved literature and be married at the age of twenty-four.
I can tell you right now that I will not be married by twenty-four. I do not even know if I will get married.
I just freaks me out that at one time I was sooooo sure that I could find someone so two-dimensional and that I would want that person. Like, I would think of all these qualities this person should possess and then POOF! he exists.
I know this post is kind of just me rambling, but it is important for the next post. For in the next post I will talk about my ultimate crush to end all crushes, Jablonski and the major role fake love has directly played in my love life.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Man That Got Away...
Ever since this world began
There is nothing sadder than
A one-man woman looking for
The man that got away...
-The Man That Got Away, Judy Garland from A Star Is Born
First some background:
I am an avid fan of Gilmore Girls. Amy Sherman-Palladino, the creator of and writer for the show, introduced me to Dorothy Parker, The Way We Were and A Star Is Born. Lorelai Gilmore is a woman I want to be, minus the pregnancy at age sixteen. She is smart, funny, strong and witty. The biggest compliment I have ever received is when a man told me I looked like Lorelai Gilmore.
Now...in Gilmore Girls you wait since the very first episode for Lorelai and Luke Danes to get together. And finally, in season five they do. If I am pessimistic or in a foul mood, I watch the episodes when they go on their first day, they have their kiss and when he builds her an ice rink. Yet, they have a split up in the middle of the season. The day after they brake up, Lorelai calls Luke and leaves a message on his answering machine where she rambles on and on about The Way We Were and Hubbell and Katie. Eventually, they do get back together and when they do, Lorelai is watching A Star is Born and "The Man That Got Away" is playing in the background.
I Netflix-ed The Way We Were and A Star is Born because of those references in Gilmore Girls and LOVED them both. On the surface they are super depressing. They both end with the supposed love of the leading lady's life leaving her. In The Way We Were Hubbell leaves Katie after moving to California, making memories that cloud the corners of one's mind, and having a daughter. In A Star is Born (original screenplay written by none other than Dorothy Parker) Norman kills himself after Esther becomes a bright new star while his star fades and his alcoholism takes over his life. (Interesting side note....Barbara Streisand stars in a remake of A Star is Born with Kris Kristofferson in 1976)
But for me these two movies tell a more true story of love and romance, or at least present a reality I can more easily accept. I think in the end they have a more powerful, positive message.
Here is the part I find most interesting about the relationships in those two movies: Both relationships are doomed from the start. There is something fundamentally wrong or unequal with the relationship that will prevent it from ever being that happily-ever-after we all seem to crave.
Katie devoted herself to Hubbell. She moved out to California with him, hung out with his less than politically knowlegdeable friends and had his child. She involved herself with his friends and entertained them even though she was not a huge fan of them. Most importantly, Katie was the only person who truly believed in his writing ability and urged him to write his novel.
But....Hubbell was less committed to her. He would not stand up for her and her ideals. He didn't show her the encouragement or devotion she showed him. He resented her for her strong personality and her convictions. He was embarrassed of her communist sympathies. And sadly, he left her after she had their daughter. Hubbell found her intriguing and he may have loved her at one point, but it was not an enduring love.
Esther and Norman had a relationship based upon power and control. At the start Norman had the power, but that quickly changed. Esther was the nobody to start with and Norman was the prized star of Hollywood. With Norman's assistance, Esther rose to become the new It girl of Hollywood. But, Norman's alcoholism began to take over his life and slowly his career began to suffer. Instead of blaming himself for his failing career, Norman began to resent Esther and was furious that he had ever given her the chance to become someone. He was envious of her and her success. Despite his anger towards her, Esther would nurse Norman back to health and support him. Finally, Norman takes responsibility for his actions and not being able to deal with that responsibility or the fact that he has become a burden to Esther, kills himself. I think, personally, he could not deal with the fact the she so fully and completely loved him and he basically just shat all over that love time and time again.
I have not had an earth moving or shattering love like Hubbell and Katie or Esther and Norman. But, I have fancied myself in love before. I have felt connected to a member of the opposite sex more, been more intimate emotionally, physically and mentally with that one person more than I ever thought possible. In my one serious relationship I fully and completely gave myself to the other person, only to be shat on repeatedly. I was all in while he was just partly in. I am sure he loved me for a brief moment or that he had convinced himself that he loved me. But like Hubbell, he lacked an enduring love and like Norman, I think he could not stand not being in control. And like Esther and Katie....that man got away.
Which, yes, is depressing and sad. I have spent more energy and effort, tears and screams, and time and frustration on this guy than I ever want to admit. Like my female counterparts, I have felt abandonded and sad. The one man that I gave myself completely to turned out to not truly want me or deserve me.
BUT...and this is a big BUT...that is the way it should be. We are all better off for getting out of those relationships. Like I said...they were never going to work out from the start. I knew that with my relationship, which started because I refused to be a fuck buddy so he decided he would just cave in and date me, the man would never really want to be my boyfriend. I knew this just as Katie knew Hubbell would never grow a spine or Esther knew Norman would never love her as much as he loved his booze. Although we were in love, it was not the right love because it was not an equal partnership; we loved the man that got away more than he loved us.
I look at Katie and Esther though and think of what they accomplished after that man got away. Katie went on to pursue her political activism and Esther went on to win an Oscar. These women are strong and show us that just because we lose that one guy, that one love, does not mean our lives are over. There is a future before us. We are better for loving that man and going on to do more.
So...this is the moral to my story: The man that got away broke my heart. It was sad. It still is sad on some days. Yet, I am better off without him, for it gives me room to become someone great.
The man that got away was just getting out of my way.
There is nothing sadder than
A one-man woman looking for
The man that got away...
-The Man That Got Away, Judy Garland from A Star Is Born
First some background:
I am an avid fan of Gilmore Girls. Amy Sherman-Palladino, the creator of and writer for the show, introduced me to Dorothy Parker, The Way We Were and A Star Is Born. Lorelai Gilmore is a woman I want to be, minus the pregnancy at age sixteen. She is smart, funny, strong and witty. The biggest compliment I have ever received is when a man told me I looked like Lorelai Gilmore.
Now...in Gilmore Girls you wait since the very first episode for Lorelai and Luke Danes to get together. And finally, in season five they do. If I am pessimistic or in a foul mood, I watch the episodes when they go on their first day, they have their kiss and when he builds her an ice rink. Yet, they have a split up in the middle of the season. The day after they brake up, Lorelai calls Luke and leaves a message on his answering machine where she rambles on and on about The Way We Were and Hubbell and Katie. Eventually, they do get back together and when they do, Lorelai is watching A Star is Born and "The Man That Got Away" is playing in the background.
I Netflix-ed The Way We Were and A Star is Born because of those references in Gilmore Girls and LOVED them both. On the surface they are super depressing. They both end with the supposed love of the leading lady's life leaving her. In The Way We Were Hubbell leaves Katie after moving to California, making memories that cloud the corners of one's mind, and having a daughter. In A Star is Born (original screenplay written by none other than Dorothy Parker) Norman kills himself after Esther becomes a bright new star while his star fades and his alcoholism takes over his life. (Interesting side note....Barbara Streisand stars in a remake of A Star is Born with Kris Kristofferson in 1976)
But for me these two movies tell a more true story of love and romance, or at least present a reality I can more easily accept. I think in the end they have a more powerful, positive message.
Here is the part I find most interesting about the relationships in those two movies: Both relationships are doomed from the start. There is something fundamentally wrong or unequal with the relationship that will prevent it from ever being that happily-ever-after we all seem to crave.
Katie devoted herself to Hubbell. She moved out to California with him, hung out with his less than politically knowlegdeable friends and had his child. She involved herself with his friends and entertained them even though she was not a huge fan of them. Most importantly, Katie was the only person who truly believed in his writing ability and urged him to write his novel.
But....Hubbell was less committed to her. He would not stand up for her and her ideals. He didn't show her the encouragement or devotion she showed him. He resented her for her strong personality and her convictions. He was embarrassed of her communist sympathies. And sadly, he left her after she had their daughter. Hubbell found her intriguing and he may have loved her at one point, but it was not an enduring love.
Esther and Norman had a relationship based upon power and control. At the start Norman had the power, but that quickly changed. Esther was the nobody to start with and Norman was the prized star of Hollywood. With Norman's assistance, Esther rose to become the new It girl of Hollywood. But, Norman's alcoholism began to take over his life and slowly his career began to suffer. Instead of blaming himself for his failing career, Norman began to resent Esther and was furious that he had ever given her the chance to become someone. He was envious of her and her success. Despite his anger towards her, Esther would nurse Norman back to health and support him. Finally, Norman takes responsibility for his actions and not being able to deal with that responsibility or the fact that he has become a burden to Esther, kills himself. I think, personally, he could not deal with the fact the she so fully and completely loved him and he basically just shat all over that love time and time again.
I have not had an earth moving or shattering love like Hubbell and Katie or Esther and Norman. But, I have fancied myself in love before. I have felt connected to a member of the opposite sex more, been more intimate emotionally, physically and mentally with that one person more than I ever thought possible. In my one serious relationship I fully and completely gave myself to the other person, only to be shat on repeatedly. I was all in while he was just partly in. I am sure he loved me for a brief moment or that he had convinced himself that he loved me. But like Hubbell, he lacked an enduring love and like Norman, I think he could not stand not being in control. And like Esther and Katie....that man got away.
Which, yes, is depressing and sad. I have spent more energy and effort, tears and screams, and time and frustration on this guy than I ever want to admit. Like my female counterparts, I have felt abandonded and sad. The one man that I gave myself completely to turned out to not truly want me or deserve me.
BUT...and this is a big BUT...that is the way it should be. We are all better off for getting out of those relationships. Like I said...they were never going to work out from the start. I knew that with my relationship, which started because I refused to be a fuck buddy so he decided he would just cave in and date me, the man would never really want to be my boyfriend. I knew this just as Katie knew Hubbell would never grow a spine or Esther knew Norman would never love her as much as he loved his booze. Although we were in love, it was not the right love because it was not an equal partnership; we loved the man that got away more than he loved us.
I look at Katie and Esther though and think of what they accomplished after that man got away. Katie went on to pursue her political activism and Esther went on to win an Oscar. These women are strong and show us that just because we lose that one guy, that one love, does not mean our lives are over. There is a future before us. We are better for loving that man and going on to do more.
So...this is the moral to my story: The man that got away broke my heart. It was sad. It still is sad on some days. Yet, I am better off without him, for it gives me room to become someone great.
The man that got away was just getting out of my way.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
A Weighty Issue
Okay. We all know there is one big thing you never comment on to a lady; her weight.
Yes, I will not lie, it is nice to hear "You are skinny," but a simple change of "are" to "look" and adding an extra adverb "today" can screw you over. Commenting on weight is a tricky, fickle thing.
I was a pretty active person growing up. In the summer I would play softball, basketball, and swim for swim team. In junior high and high school I played basketball and volleyball, had a small stint with track, and played club volleyball and MAYB basketball in the summer. Plus, I lifted weights and ran during the summer in high school for volleyball training. This gave me a pretty nice frame. I was never reed thin. I have always had my curves and my ass and my hips and my boobs. But, I looked pretty nice.
Well...college happened. I gained some weight, which I think is typical of most people. I just was not as active and fast food was a staple of my diet. This just added to my curves and gave me a little extra padding.
Now, yes, I do wish I could lose about 20 pounds and go back to my high school weight. And yes, as a girl, I am a little extra sensitive about my weight. And, as stated before, the clever boys in my class use to call me weighty nicknames such as "Free Willy" and "Jenny Craig." So...one could say weight is not my favorite subject.
But...I doubt it is anyone's favorite subject. Women especially. We all feel the pressure to be that size 0 or 2. And like I said, commenting on weight is a tricky business.
Here are some experiences where I was not the only huge elephant sitting in the room:
#1: Pants
I was making out with this guy. We had made out before and it was fun. He was cute and he made me laugh, so overall, I was pleased. We started to go horizontal, like most make out sessions go, and I was on top. Articles of clothes start to come off. Then, boy starts to undo my pants. Okay, no big deal. But, then he tries to pull them off while I am straddling him. I was getting ready to shift to make this endeavor more successful when he decides to comment on my weight: "Maybe you should get a bigger pair of pants."
Umm......excuse me? Unless I am wearing tear away pants, I have no idea how the hell you though that these pants were coming off.
It didn't stop there though. He went on to say...."I have no idea how you even get those on. You should really get a larger size." I then said, "I have no issues with it, and no one else ever has. See, it is quite simple." I then proceeded to take on and off my pants within thirty seconds.
#2: Pillow Talk
Again, this takes place during a make out session. This time I was with someone a little more serious, someone I had been dating for awhile. While making out, we again start the horizontal thing and start shedding some clothes. Then, again, the comment comes: "Have you been gaining weight?"
This one occurred again when I was on top and this boy was grabbing me by the waist.
Hmm...a weird approach to some dirty talk. Oh, yeah...Tell me how fat I am. Smother me in gravy.
#3: Comparative Analysis
I found some old pictures from high school on the computer at my house. So, I decided to post them on facebook. A couple of days later I was back in Lawrence for New Year's Eve. We had been drinking, like most college students, and some of us were sitting around talking. Out of nowhere, my guy friend, one I use to have a huge crush on, says this: "Chelsea, you use to be so skinny and cute in high school. What happened?"
Oh, I don't know. I decided to not be cute or skinny any more. I changed my life goal into resembling Ursula from Little Mermaid. I mean, she had curves and in her song, she tells me that those curves are how us ladies get them fellas.
Here's the thing guys (if any guys read this), there are a limited amount of ways to comment on a woman's weight and there are even more limited amounts of appropriate times to comment on a woman's weight.
Top time not to comment....when you are about to get some. Not only does this ruin your chances, but I can promise you the lady in question will not forget and will probably not engage in such behavior with you again.
But also....it is just plain ass rude. That is the equivalent of me saying, "Oh, is your dick getting smaller?" Would you like that? No. Why? Because you are sensitive about your size and it such situations....you are even more sensitive. Same here, bucko.
I am comfortable with my luscious body. You would think that these experiences would have shattered me and that I would never again undress in front of a man. But....mama's got needs.
Seriously though. I just think these guys were not thinking correctly. Even if they did mean it....that is their deal. If they want a supermodel with non-existent boobs and the ability to count her ribs, good for them.
I am not the girl, and I am fine with that. :)
Yes, I will not lie, it is nice to hear "You are skinny," but a simple change of "are" to "look" and adding an extra adverb "today" can screw you over. Commenting on weight is a tricky, fickle thing.
I was a pretty active person growing up. In the summer I would play softball, basketball, and swim for swim team. In junior high and high school I played basketball and volleyball, had a small stint with track, and played club volleyball and MAYB basketball in the summer. Plus, I lifted weights and ran during the summer in high school for volleyball training. This gave me a pretty nice frame. I was never reed thin. I have always had my curves and my ass and my hips and my boobs. But, I looked pretty nice.
Well...college happened. I gained some weight, which I think is typical of most people. I just was not as active and fast food was a staple of my diet. This just added to my curves and gave me a little extra padding.
Now, yes, I do wish I could lose about 20 pounds and go back to my high school weight. And yes, as a girl, I am a little extra sensitive about my weight. And, as stated before, the clever boys in my class use to call me weighty nicknames such as "Free Willy" and "Jenny Craig." So...one could say weight is not my favorite subject.
But...I doubt it is anyone's favorite subject. Women especially. We all feel the pressure to be that size 0 or 2. And like I said, commenting on weight is a tricky business.
Here are some experiences where I was not the only huge elephant sitting in the room:
#1: Pants
I was making out with this guy. We had made out before and it was fun. He was cute and he made me laugh, so overall, I was pleased. We started to go horizontal, like most make out sessions go, and I was on top. Articles of clothes start to come off. Then, boy starts to undo my pants. Okay, no big deal. But, then he tries to pull them off while I am straddling him. I was getting ready to shift to make this endeavor more successful when he decides to comment on my weight: "Maybe you should get a bigger pair of pants."
Umm......excuse me? Unless I am wearing tear away pants, I have no idea how the hell you though that these pants were coming off.
It didn't stop there though. He went on to say...."I have no idea how you even get those on. You should really get a larger size." I then said, "I have no issues with it, and no one else ever has. See, it is quite simple." I then proceeded to take on and off my pants within thirty seconds.
#2: Pillow Talk
Again, this takes place during a make out session. This time I was with someone a little more serious, someone I had been dating for awhile. While making out, we again start the horizontal thing and start shedding some clothes. Then, again, the comment comes: "Have you been gaining weight?"
This one occurred again when I was on top and this boy was grabbing me by the waist.
Hmm...a weird approach to some dirty talk. Oh, yeah...Tell me how fat I am. Smother me in gravy.
#3: Comparative Analysis
I found some old pictures from high school on the computer at my house. So, I decided to post them on facebook. A couple of days later I was back in Lawrence for New Year's Eve. We had been drinking, like most college students, and some of us were sitting around talking. Out of nowhere, my guy friend, one I use to have a huge crush on, says this: "Chelsea, you use to be so skinny and cute in high school. What happened?"
Oh, I don't know. I decided to not be cute or skinny any more. I changed my life goal into resembling Ursula from Little Mermaid. I mean, she had curves and in her song, she tells me that those curves are how us ladies get them fellas.
Here's the thing guys (if any guys read this), there are a limited amount of ways to comment on a woman's weight and there are even more limited amounts of appropriate times to comment on a woman's weight.
Top time not to comment....when you are about to get some. Not only does this ruin your chances, but I can promise you the lady in question will not forget and will probably not engage in such behavior with you again.
But also....it is just plain ass rude. That is the equivalent of me saying, "Oh, is your dick getting smaller?" Would you like that? No. Why? Because you are sensitive about your size and it such situations....you are even more sensitive. Same here, bucko.
I am comfortable with my luscious body. You would think that these experiences would have shattered me and that I would never again undress in front of a man. But....mama's got needs.
Seriously though. I just think these guys were not thinking correctly. Even if they did mean it....that is their deal. If they want a supermodel with non-existent boobs and the ability to count her ribs, good for them.
I am not the girl, and I am fine with that. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
