Prophetic Utterances

I never called Cleo so she could read some Tarot cards for me. I truly doubt that the promises my fortune cookie makes that the future holds pleasant surprises (in bed) will come true. I think "signs" are usually nothing more than one looking for meaning when they desperately want to believe in something.

I do not take much stock in fortune telling or psychics. Not because I dismiss the possibility of such ability, but because how can you tell the future when each moment we all make a million choices that can alter our reality?

I digress. What I mean to say is I am skeptical of prophetic messages from any one person, Pikachu, or "the universe."

Yet, being the skeptic I am, over my decade or so of romantic relations with males, I have come to fear that two men sealed my fate with statements regarding the future of my (lack of a) love life.

Prophecy #1: Die Alone, Bitch.

This first occurrence was during my sophomore year of high school. This junior guy decided he liked me. I went to Winter Formal with him. I liked him, thought he was cute, funny and he had great taste in music. He was smart, too, which was a big plus for me. He wanted to date me. For awhile I was really excited about the idea of dating him. I thought it would be fun and we both liked each other, so it made sense.

But my sixteen year old psyche was not quite ready for that. The exact moment I decided I could not actually date him was when we where in the back of a friend's car and he had his arm around me and was cuddling with me. I felt really uncomfortable and just weirded out (this issue with space and trust is a can of worms best not opened yet).

So, I was truly torn. First of all I did like the guy and I knew he liked me. Secondly, I felt bad because I knew if I said no, I would seem like a tease and it would appear that I had led him on. Lastly, I did not want to hurt his feelings. He was a sweet, nice, caring person. But, I knew that for myself, I could not date him because dating him meant letting him in not only to my emotional space and life, but more important to me, my personal space.

I said no. Hurt his feelings. And this sweet, nice, caring person turned into a grade-A jerk.

Not saying his anger was unwarranted. It was. warranted. But I feel he was a bit harsh.

He said a lot of things about me. Some of what he said was true. Most of it was exaggerated. Most I have forgotten. Yet, two lines stick out in mind: "I hope someday that stick from your ass falls out so you can fall in love. I hope you're happy dying alone."

It was high school, so of course it was dramatic and blown out of proportion, but even though I know that he probably did not really mean what he said, I cannot erase those two sentences from my mind. After seven years, they stick with me.

I feel like his words were not only a prophecy of me dying alone and unhappy and a confirmation that there is something wrong with me, something that makes it impossible for me to enter a relationship, but also a curse. Like this guy was cursing me to a life of failed relationships, loneliness and heartache.

Prophecy #2: Never Ever

Prophet #2 has already been mentioned in this blog. He happens to be the same guy who made Magic Minute Promise #2. A couple of years after his chivalric offer, we were at another party. We started talking and talking led to touching. And then came more talking about why we should or should not hook up. Ultimately he said we should not because he did not want to ruin our friendship and he did not want to be an ass. I backed off and went back to the party.

An hour or so after this interaction with him, an hour in which I ruined a phone and slept for what I had thought was 30 minutes but was an actual five, I was looking for a friend. I ran into Prophet #2 on my quest. We were in the middle of a parking lot. We both stopped walking and he looks straight at me and states: "Chelsea, it will never happen."

He then walked off to eat some pizza without saying another word.

I cannot help but think this guy was foretelling my future love life. It will never happen. I will never find a guy who loves me. I will never be in love. It will never happen.

I know that is crazy to say, and I do not truly believe that, but sometimes I wonder. I mean, as you can tell from this blog, a lot of things are not working out for me on the love front. It is easy for me to believe him. Easy to agree that for me, it will never happen.

For years I have believed in these prophecies for my love life. I gave these words power, looking for truth in them, blaming them for failed attempts in love, and finding solace in them when I mess up or things go wrong. I gave these men power over how I felt and thought about myself.

But no more. With 2010 comes my new outlook on love. I will no longer look to these statements as truths. My goal for 2010 is to learn from past mistakes and to get back the power I have let past men have over me.

Because I ultimately know that love for me is a possible reality. There is someone to love me. Someone I will love, too. There is not a literal or figurative stick up my ass keeping me from falling in love. I am the only person or thing in the way of falling in love. I will not die alone, because even if I never get married, I have people who love me to surround myself with.

It will happen.