A Man of Slim to None Intelligence

If I were ever asked how many times my heart has been broken, I am sure I would reply with at least seven times:

1) Hank in Fifth Grade
2) Jablonski in Eighth Grade
3) John in Ninth Grade
4) Jablonski in Twelfth Grade
5) Nathan, Freshman year of college
6) John Doe, Freshman year of college
7) Man of Slim to None Intelligence, Sophomore-Senior year of college

I am sure I could add to that list, too. We all have little heart breaks here and there, especially in high school. Your crush does not return the feelings you have for him. He starts dating a different girl. But, we do not tend to remember them. They are small blips on our time lines of love. Infinitesimal heartaches that lack any real cleaving of the heart.

But, there is always that big one. That one heartbreak that seems like it will forever be an open wound. Try as you might, you just cannot get it back together, make it as whole, as strong. No matter how many pints of ice cream you eat, no matter how many tears you cry, no matter how many things you throw, and no matter how what ifs? you ask, your heart remains broken.

I feel weak confessing that this is a point I am at in my life. If you know me, you know who Man of Slim to None Intelligence (or NoIQ as I will call him now) is. I am sure you are tired of hearing about him or seeing me talk about him, so I apologize for the rest of this post. Just try to bear with me though.

I can sum up the four years of our relationship pretty quickly: I had a crush on him Fall semester freshmen year, we hooked up the following summer, he wanted to be fuck buddies and I said no, he asked me to date and I said yes, he told me he was indifferent toward me and I broke up with him, he had heart surgery then told me I was the only important thing in his life and we started dating again, we dated for five months and then I broke up with him for various reasons, we kept in touch and kept hooking up until he told me he had stopped hooking up with another girl he failed to tell me about, fights and make ups for the next two years.....until finally this summer he started dating a new girl who forbid him to talk/see me and thus ended our relationship.

At one point in this fucked up relationship we talked about getting married. Even at our worst, he always talked about how our time was not now, but we would have our time to be together. How one day we would get married.

I know that sounds dumb, and so will the following statement. I always held out hope for that future. I cannot honestly tell you why. Most of the time NoIQ drove me nuts or made me sad. He refused to tell his parents we were dating at first and also hid it from his brother. He called me fat once while we were having sex. He refused to pick me up one time when I was having a crappy day and my car broke down. He told me he was indifferent toward me. He blamed me for bad grades. He two-timed me with a girl. Etc, etc...

I never stayed up at night when we were apart hoping to get back together, longing for it. But, when he so abruptly removed himself from my life, I realized how much I had depended on him and hoped in him.

Dumb, right? My best friend can tell you how lame that relationship was and how better off I am without him. I know I am, too. He never loved me like I loved him and he always had that power over me. He used me over and over again, and I am sad to say I let him.

After having this epiphany, I decided to take him completely out of my life. I deleted him off Facebook and from my phone. I emailed him one last time.

It has been about four months now. I am past a lot of the violent and crying tendencies associated with a broken heart now. But I do take certain measures like not listening to certain songs and avoiding certain memories when the creep up. I do not think about him every day now. I do not dream about him anymore.

Yet, I do feel like a part of me is missing in a weird way.

I invested so much in him. So much. It is just so hard to not have that part of myself.

I think that is the hardest part about broken hearts. You eventually will put them back together. But, there will be that one little sliver missing that cannot be replaced. It leaves a small gap that after time you hardly notice, yet it is always there.

Here is the deal: I am fine most days. I go without thinking about him or missing him. It is just those days when a smell reminds me of him. Or when Cherry Pie comes on the radio. Or when a memory creeps up on me. Those moments I do miss him, briefly.

In the end, though, I know I am better off without him. He seriously was a Man of Slim to None Intelligence and one day I will find a Man of Real Intelligence that will make NoIQ a distant heart ache.